Archive for the ‘Detritus’ Category

Not saying I’m giving up completely, but…

Every time I get up, and get the willpower to try and do something about the mess that is my life I get kicked in the head. One of these days I’m going to conserve the pointless effort and just not get up again.

Too Much Information

When I swore I’d never write about this, I guess I lied.
The part of it that none of you will ever understand, that I can never explain, is how much it hurt. The absolute bloocurdling, mindsplitting, unfathomable pain of my guts spilling out into my body cavity and my spine all but snapped in half and still somehow I’m struggling to get on my feet, I’m smiling, I’m politely asking to be allowed to just go to sleep, just for one minute, and I’m fading fast and my blood pressure’s dropped to almost zero and I cannot wrap my head around how much it hurts. I think I’m going to go mad, I think I’m going to split in two. The human nervous system is not equipped to process this sort of pain. And yet there I was, coherent and reasonable and asking softly if please they could just let me close my eyes, if please they could just put me under. And they’re begging me, pleading with me to stay awake, because if I close my eyes I might never wake up and I think at some point my mind just snapped. I don’t think I really came back to my senses for months after that. I don’t know if I ever really came all the way back at all. Apparently I was moments away from dying. I was bleeding to death. I somehow stayed awake until the operating table where they cut my skirt off even though they’d already cleaned the surgical area, presumably for dramatic effect. And there on the operating table, on my deathbed, I was yelling at them about ruining my good black skirt and then I begged them again to put me under and this time they did and I woke up sore and disoriented in a dull morphine haze in a hospital bed, still not really getting it. I asked if I could go back to school the next day. Two months and most of a vital organ later, I would emerge from my Chrysalis a torn and jaded moth and all I could think about was at least I would be thin now because that’s the sort of fucked up thing a teenage girl thinks of at times like that. Like I’d won some sort of liposuction lottery or something. But jesus holy fuck I could never even begin to explain how much it hurt. I myself can’t fathom it. It just fucking hurt so bad. It isn’t the nearly dying or the isolation or the uncertainty of the thing that got to me. I’ve known a number of people who’ve faced death or been sick or been traumatized. But I’ve never known another soul who could understand how much it hurt. It just fucking hurt so badly. I hope I’ve described it inadequately because I wouldn’t wish that kind of suffering on anyone, even a pale ghost of it. But I’ve never committed it to print until now and I wonder if it’ll somehow help me to do so. They always say write what you know and maybe this is what I know better than anything. So there it is. It hurt. It just fucking hurt. It hurt so bad. I can’t begin to tell you how much it hurt…wow, that feels better somehow.

So, um, have a nice day?
Sorry about all that.
Lalalalala…

I don’t know where that came from. I’m not even having a particularly bad day or anything. It just worked itself up out of some long buried scar tissue and – there it is. Funny how the human mind works. I don’t think I ever even really remembered what it exactly felt like until just now. I mean obviously I had some idea it had been unfathomably painful, but I hadn’t quite remembered the details of it in quite so intricate a matter.Kind of surprised at myself, actually.

thoughts

When you’re absent minded, everything’s a pleasant surprise.

http://www.members.cox.net/corbid/exponentialdetritus.html

Collective Abstract Replies

To the one I always write to first. A query of sorts, I suppose. They are amazing lyrics, but from whence do they come and who do they mean? Or does all that really matter much at all (I suppose not) in the end? Is it all Velvet Oedipal Pontification ?

Whlie he is the Court Jester, she is the queen of swords. Sharp of wit but heavy in spirit, your words are more beautiful when you are lighter than air. Cast off the weight of the world and don’t be afraid to let your sweetness show. Thinking of you. I have books with your name on them (both literally and figuaratively speaking.) I am wishing you a week free of care to the extent that this is humanly possible.

To my favorite Fallen Woman, I am wishing you good fortune and the loan of my stubbornness. You are tireless but sometimes you wonder what it’s all for. I’ll remind you. You may work your ass off now, but you are accountable to no one but yourself and that is worth its weight in platinum. And the ass that you’re working off is much more enviable than it used to be :) Your confidence and strength and beauty shine through and inspire us all. But it’s okay to doubt that sometimes and I’m here for that when you need me.

I know a young mother who lives in a shoe…she wears so many hats you’d think she wouldn’t know what to do. In lieu of less plausible wishes, I wish her further extensions of credit and well behaving boys and a great sales week. And a sale on green tea.

My sister doesn’t read this, but I’m wishing bonus points into the universe because she thought of me in a kind way. Okay, so it was a bit condescending but as sweet as she gets and I’ll give her credit (long story.)

To my favorite belly dancing vegetarian – haven’t forgotten you, I’m just feeble minded and forget to call till it’s too late at night…

I’m probably forgetting people. I don’t know who all reads this thing. So I’ll just wish general goodness to all whom I have the good fortune of being acquainted with.

Peace, Love and Jellybeans,
Corbid

http://www.members.cox.net/corbid/exponentialdetritus.html

Jesus Fucking Christ

I’m offline again. I thought this “infrastructure improvement” bullshit was
supposed to have solved this problem. Fuckers.
I’m all paid up and everything. What do they want from me? Blood? My
immortal soul? That’s $40 a month I could be spending on books or CDs or 4
packs of Guinness pub draft. Or Care Bears and colouring books for my
daughters. Or, you know, my actual debts or something. Next time I happen
into a large sum of money (that’ll be never, but humour me) I’m going to buy
a laptop with a Wi-Fi card so I can roam around Starbucks or Downtown and
get free wireless access and not have to pay for my right to be an informed
citizen. You know, I’ve heard that in some countries wireless internet
access is provided free as a means of bettering and educating the populace.
Here they charge us for everything but the air we breathe (don’t worry, they
ll figure out how to charge us for that soon enough.)

Obviously if anyone’s sent me any email in the past 48 hours, I’ve not yet
seen it. I’m letting this post languish in my outbox in case I connect at
some point. A lovely weekend to all.

Negativegirl

Mirrormask Preview

It’s promised to be a fine dark Henson film in the tradition of Labyrinth and Dark Crystal, and better yet, it was written by Neil Gaiman.

Fuck me, I can’t wait for this movie:

Dogs in (my office) Space

I don’t know if I’ve ranted here yet about the whole dogs in the office situation, but yes my employers allow their ill behaved golden retrievers the run of the entire building. They try to steal our lunches. They fight in the hallways. They shit on the floor. One of them bit a hole in the ass of my dress once. We have to lock the doors so they don’t escape the building. Today one of them nearly got decapitated by the elevator when I was trying to load a product display. Far be it from me to complain, but holy fuck. This was not in my job description, to say the least. These are not exactly people who couldn’t afford a dog sitter. A trainer comes to give them walks. A groomer comes and bathes them. They live in the lap of fucking luxury. Why do they want to bury their noses in my lap as well?

But whatfuckingever. When given a choice between call center hell and dogs begging for my breakfast every morning I suppose I can learn to live with the dogs. Or at least start leaving early enough to eat breakfast at home.

Lyrics of the Day

“Skip the life completely. Stuff it in a cup. She said Money is like us in
time, it lies but won’t stand up.”
-Lou Reed

Ten of Cups (Satiety): Fulfillment and joy in life and love. Feeling peace, tranquility, and contentment in friends and family. Taking delight in one’s good fortune

Seven of Wands (Valor): Standing courageously for your beliefs in the face of adversity. Fear of failure overcome by the will to succeed. Great obstacles met with heroism and determination. Inner strength brought to bear at a critical moment.

(detritus)(dream)(poetica)(myth)(opinion)(divination)

Dispatches From The Complaint Department

1) My supposed vocabulary word of the day was “citadel.” Fucking please. Do
they think I’m 12? Are there a large number of fully functional,web literate
adults that don’t know “citadel?” If the thing weren’t free I’d want my
money back.

2) What gives with the increasingly more bizarre serving suggestions on the
back of frozen pierogi boxes? I am Polish (don’t laugh, it’s not that funny)
and I buy frozen pierogi to eat as Polish people do: boiled with butter and
lots of sour cream. If I want to go to some extra trouble I’ll pan fry it
and serve it with maybe butter and sour cream and Kielbasa. It’s a simple
dish and it’s hardly rocket science to figure out: “Hmmm…potatoes and
cheese in a dumpling, do you suppose it might be good with sour cream?” So
what the hell is up with suggestions like “Serve grilled or baked on top of
a selection of salad greens, topped with salsa” or “create a casserole by
combining with ham cubes, broccoli florets and Alfredo sauce” or the one
that kind of makes me retch a bit: “combine with spaghetti sauce and
parmesan cheese, add meatballs if desired.” Mmm, nothing like mashed
potatoes and spaghetti sauce! Jesus Fucking Christ on a cracker, do you
suppose these same brilliant marketeers will next come up with something
along the lines of “Fajitas…why not add mayonnaise?” or “Nothing beats the
taste of sushi and cheese whiz.” Way to make unsuspecting consumers hate
pierogi. But whatever, that leaves more for me, I guess. Potatoes are the
breakfast of champions indeed.

3) My third hate note of the day goes to people who take a great CD and play it constantly to a captive audience until you think you’ve been inducted into a very special level of the Inferno and wonder what atrocity you’ve committed to deserve it. Thanks to my sales manager at work, I can’t listen to any more Sarah McLachlan for a long,long time.